Spinsterhood? Sounds good to me.

For the past, oh say, three years, my best friend and various other people have called me an old lady. Lately, my dad has started calling me an old maid, actually. And they're both pretty accurate. I mean, I may be only 25, but I know myself, I know my reactions to things, I know I've turned into a semi-hermit in the last year. And I have absolutely no qualms with this. I PREFER it. I LIKE not going out. I like not having a lot of friends. I like not going to bars. I'm fond of saying I got my wild days over ages 16-21. I guess it's true enough.

The truth is that I can never see myself getting married, having children, living that life. I'm not meant for it. I was meant to be alone. I feel it in my bones. My soul. My heart. It's embedded in my nature. I like to picture myself 30 years from now, sitting on the front porch of my southern manor, smoking cigars, drinking sweet tea laced with bourbon, surrounded by pit bulls. I'll be ornery and stubborn, and kind of mean. I'll yell at the neighborhood children, but then I'll feel bad and crochet them a hat, or bake them cookies. I feel like I also may be monstrously obese.

I'll see family and friends, of course, but for the most part, aside from the hundreds of dogs I'll rescue, I'll live alone.

There will never be another person I can tolerate long enough to establish a lifetime commitment. I change constantly. I'm a completely different person now that I was when I was 18 or 21. Some people can maintain a relationship with someone, despite the inevitable life changes, because they are meant to be, they change with each other or accept the changes in one another. I don't know if I could ever do that. I just....can't imagine sharing my life with someone like that.  I don't see myself meeting someone, doing the usual rounds of getting to know each other, falling in love...making it a life.

I ended a three and a half year, very complicated, relationship in May, and the relief I've felt since then, to be on my own again, has been magnificent. I like this freedom of myself too much.

And that's that. Spinsterhood here I come!